So I’ve been getting all the feels with the end of this pregnancy…having not got this far before, I didn’t really know what to expect. I’ve definitely got bigger, baby now measuring a fair bit heavier than her big sister was this time last year! But I expected the ‘larger-ness’, the difficulty getting around, the tiredness in this heat whilst simultaneously looking after a 1 year old. I even expected the nesting which is starting to creep in (mixed with my OCD thats not an amazing combo).
What I didn’t expect is the almost overwhelming feelings coming up from being in what feels very much a place of limbo. Then I found this article on the last days of pregnancy and it made a LOT of sense.
I try and follow the cyclical nature of moon phases, and my own cycle (even though it’s nearly 2 years since I last had one of those); and often feel my Virgo-y nature, my guilt I carry from various events, coming to push up against the ‘resting’ or slower phases. So this feeling is like that on acid.
Because there’s that part of my brain that stubbornly wants to carry on as normal. I’ve got the time, theoretically. But I cannot. My body has changed, my day-to-day brain functioning has changed. It’s all now geared towards this little person that’s gonna show up in a few weeks, and there’s fuck all I can do about it to change it back to thinking about social media scheduling.
Which sounds rather trite when I say it like that. And really, I wouldn’t want to anyway.
So I let the Virgo-y bit take over for a while and it came up with a plan – get all my social media posts done and cover the few weeks before and after baby; then take a bit of a break from social media.
I’m not sure how long for; in terms of checking etc. committing to a long period of time may not work out (especially when I’m sat breastfeeding…), but I feel like at least a week or so before baby’s due-from date (baby cannot be late when I don’t have a clue when it was she set off).
In this wonky, delicate and quite-frankly-godamn-hormonal state, social media is knackering. It’s all heavily-pregnant women effortlessly doing yoga (my attempts are NOT gonna be Instagram-worthy); discussions on Facebook about what activities to do with their one year-old (I’m too knackered to leave the house with a one year-old); and lots of stuff I don’t need to waste these final few weeks with reading.
I’m tired of the built-in compulsion to check it, and the precious timewasting when I could be spending it one-on-one with my amazing daughter. And for those of you who’ve done hypnobirthing courses, you know how important mindset is. I don’t feel like it’s contributing to the right headspace.
So I’m gonna back away in a couple of weeks to really go into my cave. I will still be checking emails and working on my website (and writing posts); but hopefully I can stay off Facebook, Instagram and Twitter (mainly Facebook). I probably won’t count YouTube as I only use it for yoga/relaxation stuff.
I’ll update when I come out the other side!